Ooh, Get Me...I'm Turning All Philisophical And Everything!

My last blog entry got me thinking about all of the time in my life I wasted worrying about inconsequential matters ~ i.e., stupid shit. After a few moments of contemplation, I concluded that the Number One dumbest notion that I was most obsessed with in the past was failure. More to the point, the absolute debilitating Fear Of Failure, (capitalizing the first letters in each word to Stress It's Importance!). I was afraid if I failed, I'd look like an idiot. And that fear of looking like a fool, when boiled down to it's essence, was really a fear of people not liking me. How I even morphed into a person like that is anybody's guess. I'd say go ask my parents for a clearer explanation, but they'd probably deny even knowing me.

I did standup comedy for a while, and no matter how much my friends might tell me that they liked the material, each time I had to walk to that microphone, I was scared to death. Scared that my friends were only telling me my jokes were funny because that was their job as my friend, and soon, every stranger in the club would find out the truth. That I was a pathetic failure.

Now I look back on those paranoid times and think, so what if they didn't like it? Too bad. You can't please everyone all the time. I think President Lincoln said that, and we all know how prescient that comment turned out to be.


And then, as humans are wont to do, my mind strayed to the subject of regret. As in: do I have any?

Interesting concept, regret. Analytically reflecting on your actions of the past. Some say that ability is what separates us from the animals. I'm sure that can't be the only thing, though. There's all that business about frontal lobes and thumbs, too. For a full documentation on everything that separates humans from animals, I'd have to first consult with my friend the anthropologist. I wouldn't want to make any mistakes and look like an idiot. Okay, I know what you're thinking, "there you go again with your fear of making mistakes". Well, this one isn't irrational. If there's one thing I learned from hanging around with an anthropologist, it's you can't pretend to know the subject of anthropology. The better choice is to throw your hands up in the air and ask a couple questions. Otherwise, that sense of foolishness you spent a lifetime trying to avoid will not be a mere neurosis confined to your mind. It will be on full display, for all to see. And I'll give you a little piece of advice, if you ever find yourself chatting with an anthropologist, don't ever make a passing reference about monkeys being the same as apes. Not even as a joke. Because it's not a joke. Not to an anthropologist. They will NEVER let you forget it. It's not in their nature. For chrissakes, these people dig up the past for a living!

Back to the idea of regretting.

Regretting implies that you are unhappy with the way your life currently is: "If I'd only done ---- instead, maybe things would be better." And that's just not the case with me. True, I don't have the career I always wished for. Yet. I still have hopes that it will happen. My main problem with regretting is, what guarantees are there that assure me I would have had my dream career if I took a different path?

The Robert Frostian map of roads not taken is pretty clear for most people. We can easily look back and see exactly when and where our path split in a different direction. For me, there were two major splits.

The first was during my last year in college, when I was in a comedy group with a couple people who are now rather successful. For the moment, I won't say who, because as my good friend George Clooney told me while we were visiting Jennifer Aniston at her winter place, "Name dropping can be kind of douchey." Suffice it to say, one is a very annoying actor that everyone in the business makes fun of for his off-the-stage troubles, and the other is a well-known writer and producer, who just recently was on a sitcom playing a guy who has star shaped sideburns. The name of his character escapes me.

Anyway, way back when, the three of us we were friends, and in a group. The second fellow and I were not only writing partners, but also roommates in the worst apartment imaginable. My life was good, but not great. Similar to most other actors our age. Then out of nowhere, I had some panic attack about my life and bolted for California with another friend who was out here trying to make it as a musician. I just left. Broke up the group, probably the friendship, and left him alone in a first-floor walk-up dungeon. The two guys I left behind reformed the group, and within a couple years, were regulars on a TV show.

So the question is, had I stayed, would I have eventually broken into the business, too? Would I have become a success? Or, would I have upset the cosmic balance and ruined it all for everyone? Would I have made a decision for all of us that caused them to miss out on their dreams?

Who knows? My continuing to be part of their life would have added at least one more road, one more divergent path, to consider. A road that could have led nowhere.

A year later, my musician friend informed me he was moving back to Chicago, and I freaked out again. The only thing was, I had just heard back from a literary agent, who told me he loved a couple scripts I sent him, and was positive he could get me a job writing in television. So, even knowing that, and the fact that I had forged a couple very good friendships in L.A., the thought of him leaving left me feeling very alone. And once again, I bolted.

Had I not left L.A., and possibly landed a TV job, what would have happened? Again, it's all conjecture. When people look back with regret, they always imagine the best case scenario as how their life would have played out, so of course, the what-ifs are always million dollar success stories. But if you take in all of the factors that comprised who you were as a person at that time, you begin to get a clearer picture of what really might have been. I was young, and without any guidance. All of the people I called friends in L.A. were only part of my life for less than a year. And I can admit now that at the time, I was also ridiculously needy, and apt to pay visits to the dark side whenever I was invited. There's a chance I could have become a success. There's also a chance I could have become the subject of  a "What Ever Happen To...?" show ~ my episode opening with ominous music and an old headline. As I said, there are no guarantees that any other road would have proven to be any more advantageous.

I confess, there have been any number of times when I wish I could transport back in time and slap my younger self in the face. Or better yet, just let him have a look at the way I turned out: "Eat more vegetables, and do some damn situps! Please!" There are friendships I wish I had spent more time working on. I wish I read more. And I wish I was a little more fearless, about life in general. But I don't need a time machine for any of those. Each of those concerns can be worked on now just as easily. Well, perhaps not all that easily. The older I get, the less I like vegetables and situps.

There is one important detail to keep in mind whenever mulling over regret ~ don't fall into the trap of focusing completely on the roads NOT taken. Consider also the roads that you did take, and how important they are to your life. You see, after I returned to Chicago from my brief stay in California, I met this incredible woman. Purely by accident. We just happened to be sitting next to each other at a bar, and started talking. So amazing was she, that after knowing her for only a week, I couldn't bear to spend any time away from her. Within a matter of months, she became my best friend, and a year after that, she became my wife. We now have two wonderful kids, and a pretty happy life. I can guarantee that none of that would have happened had I taken another road. And I'm grateful every day that I didn't stray from that path.

So, when it comes to regrets, my suggestion to you is, don't have any. I know that's easier said than done, but remember, the regrets of the future are the inactions of the present. Take a chance. Be fearless. You might surprise yourself. And if you don't like the results, change them. It's not worth a minute of your life wasting time thinking what if? Just give it a shot. Sure, you might feel like an idiot if you fail, but years from now, you'll feel like an even bigger idiot for not trying.