Aimless Wanderings

"There once was a young bear cub who went wandering out in the woods and got lost."

"Who?"

"Who? What do you mean who?"

"The bear cub. Who was he? What was it's name?"

"I don't know."

"Why don't you know?"

"It's not relevant to the story."

"I disagree. If that was your bear cub lost in the woods, it would matter a great deal."

"I wouldn't have a bear cub lost in the woods."

"You don't know that."

"Yes. Yes, I do. I can resolutely confirm that I would never have a bear cub lost in the woods."

"Probably ran away because you wouldn't name it."

"Glenn! Okay?"

"Glenn? The bear cub's name was Glenn?"

"Yes. Now, can I get back to the story?"

"This was an actual bear cub? And his parents named him Glenn?"

"Yes."

"Was it a family name?"

"What are you talking about?"

"It's just...Glenn? Seems like a strange name for a bear. You'd think a bear would have a more majestic name. Something imposing. A name that strikes fear into the other animals. So, I'm thinking, was that the father's name? I don't know, maybe Glenn has a different cachet for bears than it does for humans."

"Xenophilos the Fourth!"

"What's this now?"

"Glenn was his nickname. His birth name was Xenophilos the Fourth. There, happy?"

"Is that a joke?"

"Why would you think it's a joke? That's an imposing name."

"Xenophilos. Xeno, from the Latin for stranger..."

"I don't know."

"...and philos, also Latin, meaning having a love or preference for."

"I guess."

"You're telling me, this bear was named, Person who loves strangers? No wonder he was wandering in the woods."

"You're reading way too much into this."

"And if he was the Fourth, all that pointless gallivanting is a genetic trait he undoubtedly picked up from his father, the Third."

"Sure. I don't know. Whatever. Now can I...?"

"No, hold on. You don't know about that, either? Is there anything in this story that can be verified as true?"

"How would I know?"

"Seriously? Research! Ask questions! Didn't any of this strike you as odd when you first heard it?"

"I was two!"

"That's no excuse."

"I could hardly speak!"

"Are you inferring that the inability to speak automatically makes you gullible? I know many mute people, and none of them are that naive. Unless you're just making it up as you go along. And if that's the case, you should stick to your day job. Unless your day job is being a storyteller."

"Are you finished?"

"Are you finished?"

"I haven't even begun!"

"Fine. Then please, continue on with your remarkably unsubstantiated story."

"It's not unsubstantiated."

"How can you say that? It's obviously not factual."

"It's a story!"

"Okay...Fiction, or nonfiction?"

"What difference does that make?"

 "You're kidding, right? Do you really not know? How were you raised? Hold on...Is this story about you? Are you really the lost bear cub?"

"No!"

"Then it's an allegory, isn't it? You're trying to deceive me into believing some fictitious nonsense as the framework for your personal draconian moralism, aren't you?"

"I'm just trying to tell a story...!"

"Well, you're doing a lousy job of it."

"Will you two please stop?"

"Who said that?"

"I did."

"Who are you?"

"I know who it is. It's Egan."

"Oh, hey."

"Just couldn't stop yourself, could you?"

"Stop myself from what?"

"Inserting yourself in the story. Holy hell, man! Does everything you write have to do with you? You know, only last week you were complaining about other people being narcissists. Maybe you should take a look in the mirror and make a little confession. Then again, when aren't you staring at yourself in the mirror?"

"Look. Stepping into the story wasn't my initial intent."

"Sure."

"You need to stop arguing and get on with it."

"Mister Big Shot."

"He has a point."

"I knew you'd side with him."

"Nobody is siding with anybody. It's a simple fact. The story's not moving forward."

"I'll move you forward."

"Is that some kind of taunt?

"Yeah? What did that mean?"

"It wasn't supposed to mean anything."

"This is too confusing. I'm outta here."

"Who said that?"

"First Guy said it. He's gone."

"Seriously? After all that?"

"I guess so."

"How the hell am I ever going to find out what happened to the little bear cub?"

"Oh, I can tell you that. He kept wandering, deeper and deeper. Stayed lost. Never found his way out."

"So, it was an allegory!"

"Hmm. How 'bout that."